Vlad the Legislator

Did you hear about the vampire who's running for President?

No, I'm not setting up a joke. It's actually happening. Well, he wants to run for president. His name is Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey and he wants to move from Florida to Washington, D.C . in order to become our first undead prez.

What better way for us to follow up the election of the first black president than with a man who thinks he is the direct descendant of Vlad the Impaler, the man on whom Dracula was based? Minority politicians are clearly on the upswing and I can only assume Jonathon is shrewd enough to see that.

Oh, and get this: he's going to be running as a Republican. Because drinking people's blood and opposing abortion go so well together.

Let me put this out there (for any of you who might not know this about me, and therefore, don't know me at all): I love vampires. I'm a huge fan of Anne Rice's vampire series and can spend hours watching old Bela Lugosi movies or re-reading my collections of vampire short stories. I've even read all the Twilight books, but don't tell anyone.

However, the thing about this story that intrigues me the most is not the fact that this guy is a vampire. Because, let's face it; he's just a crazy guy with long black hair who likes to date girls younger than his own teenage daughter. A catchy nickname and raven locks do not a vampire make.

No, the thing that's got me thinking is the fact that this may set off yet another war between Democrats and Republicans. This one will be over who can put the minorityest president in the White House.

Imagine the possibilities.

Just think about it: Democrat Barack Obama was elected as our nation's first black president. Amazingly historic! I don't agree with more than 10% of what he has to say, but I have to admit I'm proud of this country for looking beyond skin color when choosing a leader.

What if crazy vampire guy manages to get elected in 2012? It's highly unlikely, but you never know. Does that mean that the Democrats will have to come up with a candidate for the next election that will out minority a black man and a vampire? Maybe the president after that will be a gay midget named Carl.

It puts a smile on my face to imagine how far this search for the most shocking candidate could be taken.

Halloween Costume 2009

Halloween is mere days away and I have no costume plans. This is saddening since it's my favorite holiday. For as long as I can remember, I have waited each year for that day to roll around. I was almost born on Halloween, so maybe that's it. Or maybe it's the fact that since birth my mother has instilled in me the thrilling idea that it's a night for dressing up and wandering the neighborhood in search of candy and spine-chilling events.
Granted, it's not surprising that I haven't planned a costume yet. I think I ran out of my best ideas sometime in middle school. That's around the same time I stopped trick-or-treating, but the costume problem had nothing to do with that. I stopped because I knew I had grown out of it. Trick-or-treating is for kids. That's what makes it so special. It's one of the few privileges the under 13 set really gets.
My most original costume, as I've told a few people lately when the topic came up, was the year I was a picnic table. I got the design from a magazine. My dad took pieces of wood and made a frame for my shoulders. Then we draped a vinyl tablecloth over it with a hole cut out for my head. I took items from my extensive plastic food collection and glued them to the front. Voila. Except the people opening the door at several houses had no idea what I was. They were at a complete loss. It got so bad that I finally started saying, "Trick or treat. I'm a picnic table." whenever people answered the door.
Maybe I'll just break out the plastic fangs again this year. I made a modest investment back in middle school into two individual fangs that I molded to my teeth for a vampire costume. Ever since then, I've been a vampire for Halloween more often than not. I even pop them in just to startle people or when I need a pick-me-up. What can I say, it makes me feel good to have fangs.
This year I was hoping to talk the boyfriend into being Mulder and Scully from the X-Files, but I don't think that's going to work out. I've already been a witch, a pirate and a cat burglar and I don't really feel like repeating those this year.
Plastic fangs, here I come.